I just realised i have not blogged for, well like forever, and yet i have so much to say. But where to begin....
Life has been and has not been an inspiration for me lately. So much have changed since i decided to make the plunge and move out from London after 12 years to give my island another chance. Its been a roller coaster to say the least. When i first landed here i was full of optimism, i was in a can do and lets get going attitude. With time this faded and am not sure in what frame of mind/attitude i am in right now. I think after 3 months of being disillusion that Paradise is indeed not really paradise i have come to a standstill in my thoughts.
I mean don't get me wrong, i love the weather, the environment and the beaches here, hell its better than London on that font. But apart from that i am not sure i am from the same breed as the people who lives here. I think my years in lonely London has hardened me. I have become very impersonal, a nomad and carefree i suppose. And it is a different culture here, everyone wants to know your business, they are either making things up about you or talking about you. And to top it all everyone seems to have this air of importance and yet i look at them and think but what is it that you have that is making you feel so important. I have most of my life considered myself to be just the next person. I strive to work hard, be happy, live and let live. But such attitude do not go down well here in a world where its not what you are about but its who you know. Most days i find this ironic and laugh my head off, other days when i am striving to find a good job which i think after 10 years experience working for UK Ministers and with 3 degrees, should not be that hard. But i was wrong, one key ingredient is missing...first i don't have much connection, second i am not willing to sell myself or sleep with the boss! so where does that leave me?? NOWHERE.... This is when i get depressed and start having self doubt.
Me..self doubt..one would say coming from the girl who only went to London with £1000 in her pockets and came out with qualifications and quite a high in her UK career ...one must be joking! But no my friend, the culture here is as such that all those hard work doesn't matter. Fickle mindedness is the key. Most people here have no integrity of mind or strength of character. Morally they are flawed, intentionally they are ruthless and worldly they are clueless. Now i am not saying everyone is like that. I have met some good people here, very decent friends. But like me they are striving for a better future and footing in society. But those people are very few, its like a dying breed.
I actually have a very funny story to tell...well some would say its quite morose if you take it literally but i tend to take things like that with a pinch of salt and then forget about it. Lets say X for the purpose of anonymity, now X who of course i never really had a good relationship with because mainly i cannot relate to that person at all as we are like chalk and cheese, actually its worst, i am like from pluto and that person is like from somewhere around,...anyway despite our differences, given the closeness of that individual with people i love, i have conditioned myself to be friendly and accept without any underlying thoughts i must add, this individual into my life. Now the said individual probably knowing the importance of my presence to achieve certain of her designs has used me over and over again. But even knowing that i was happy to be of use just to be close to my loved ones.
On one such occasion i was the designated chauffeur to a social evening. Needless to say i was not considered important enough to be anything but 'The Driver' so it was a case of you drop me, don't show your face and go. Now i was happy to obliged as I am not one to impose myself where i am unwelcome! Unfortunately fate had other ideas, at the said destination i was surprisingly invited to come in by the hosts who are VIPs lets say. Well i was offered a drink, ushered in and even escorted outside to park my car and so not to be rude i decided to finish the drink before i go. Now being my charming self and never lost for words, i chatted away following a topic of conversation which was instigated by the host. After that not thinking much about it, i got up and left at the instigation of X who made it clear i had outdone my stay. Needless to say the next day i heard a whole lots of retribution about why i stayed and why did i have to talk blabla..... well although it annoyed me a bit for the sake of peace i let it go..i mean come on, you cant talk sense to people who have nothing but made up nonsense in their heard right??.
Now a few days later, i got an erratic phone call from X asking me if i had phone the VIPs....now i really didn't know whether X had fallen off its head or not but i found it hilarious that X had the guts of asking me if i had done such a thing especially after all the reprimand i got from her, i mean really!!!..i hardly know them, i had one drink and one social conversation which lasted no more than 20 minutes. Anyway as it turned out, the VIP probably impressed or curious by me has asked for my CV as in passing conversation i recalled telling them i wasn't working yet. Now X as usual being from somewhere on earth thus very limited in thinking made a big fuss about nothing..you see it should always be all about her and no one else (i.e she was stung by the overboard self importance of the islanders disease, well actually she was born with it!). The incident was to say rather the least very ephemeral and unbelievably funny because it had no importance in my life, i barely recalled it. But I was told later by a sure source that X was afraid i would become her boss if i was to be hired by VIP and even went so far to say if it ever happens she will leave her job! Ting! how funnily narrow minded.
Now i don't know about you but i found this 'much ado about nothing' incident preposterous. People here have unfounded guts and no shame at all, they asked for your help constantly but the minute you need them or they can see you are getting some recognition they stop talking to you. This is just one of the incidents i have encountered since i came back. There are many and all of them had 2 factors in common..... the audacity of people to use you but their fear that if they help you, you will become more important that they are. I mean what is with this "importance" business. We are not in a competition here. I find this ridiculous and i know for a fact that those same people will knock on my doors one day and ask for my help again. And being generous at heart or to be fair too weak to refuse i will be happy to obliged to get another kick in the backside. You see i believe in karma...you do good and only good can come to you but that's just me. However the mentality here on Paradise is poles apart, people never see further than their nose.
So i continue to live, watch and sit with my imaginary popcorn in my hand wondering how long this circus will entertain me until i get complacent and move on to my next adventure.
